I'm the me I'm supposed to be - at this moment.
And, guess what?
I don't want to be the person I once was. So, stop trying to fix me!
I can no longer be that person. She was only whole when completed by my other half.
He is gone and a new me has to emerge.
Not because I am shattered and need to be fixed; but, because I am a different version of myself.
To move forward, I must trust that there are possibilities to uncover beyond the heartbreak.
“We forget how big the shadow of grief and trauma can be.” - David Kessler
Grieving is hard work. It takes its toll on much of my life including friendships and the future I had envisioned.
Taking back control
And yet, I refuse to become its victim. I am determined to take control of my grief and find its lessons.
The aftermath of death is painful, lonely and complicated.
But it doesn't mean I have to stay in a dark place forever.
The wound is the place where light enters you - Rumi
Through the shadows I am aware of a new, better version of me beginning to emerge. Although it is difficult to acknowledge, this revised version would never be possible had I not suffered so much loss.
I am accepting the heartache loss has created and devising a path thru it. I am taking the power back and reclaiming my life in my own sweet time.
The revised me is more empathetic, mature and independent. I no longer sweat the small stuff and I am acutely aware of the greater good in people. Thru the grief, I have also discovered what I can do to create a more meaningful life and help others. Ironically, I have also found a greater appreciation for the simple joys in life.
There are many parts of the new me that I am proud to become and some I shall miss. Sadly, I suspect I shall frequently descend into melancholy and have an innate loneliness that I never had before. It's not easy to take charge and make change. There is much baggage to unpack.
“A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.” – Mahatma Gandhi
I am allowing myself a gift. I shall try to accept the bumps along my path and not live in fear of judgment. Nor will I crowd my mind with an unrealistic and arbitrary schedule for healing that is created by those who don't know any better.
My journey. My time. My life.
I shall become the key influencer and decision-maker in my life. This will allow me to move forward and become the person I know I can be.
Who is the new you?